My Sock Has a Hole in It

Intergalactic planetary!

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 16:53:22 GMT

Hi, everyone! It's me, Harvey Harmonium!

I need some advice about my vacuum cleaner. I THINK it might be broken, but I'm not sure. Here's what happened:

I was vacuuming around the foosball table in my bathroom, and suddenly I started to smell something burning. So I kept vacuuming, and then my vacuum cleaner started shaking really hard. So I kept vacuuming, and then black smoke started coming out of the vacuum cleaner, and it started making a noise like two robotic cats fighting with machine guns inside a piano, and then a dark green goo started leaking out.

So I think it MIGHT be broken, but I really don't want to have to buy a new vacuum cleaner! Do you think it's safe to keep using it?

Shake well before enjoying!

Sun, 31 May 2009 04:54:33 GMT

Hi, guys! It's me, Harvey Harmonium! It's been sooooo long since the last time I posted I can't even remember who the president was! I think it was Benjamin Franklin! Or was it Napoleon? HAhahahahahahahaha!!!

You know what job I'd really like to have? No, not that! Don't be disgusting! The job I wanna have is WINDOW WASHER! I loooove washing windows! I wash the windows on my house twice a day! One time when I was bored I went over to my neighbor's house and started washing their windows but the lady wasn't too happy when she came out of the shower and caught me looking in her window! Oops! Sorry lady but at least you look GREAT naked!

Anyway, I'd love to be one of those window washer guys! I want to wash the windows on the SEARS TOWER! But, I'm afraid of heights so I could only wash the windows on the ground floor. Think they'd still hire me? I think they would! What do you think? I think they would! Do you? I do!

The most important meal of the day!

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 00:02:41 GMT

Hi guys! It's me, Harvey Harmonium! I haven't written for ever!

This morning I was on my way to the pet store to buy about three dozen Gila monsters when I passed a deli with a sign in the window that said "WE HAVE BREAKFAST"

And I was all like "Really? I have breakfast too! Every day! Today I had a pop tart!"

HAhahahahahahahaha!

100,000 points!!!

Sat, 08 Dec 2007 23:55:05 GMT

Has anyone ever tried to build a human Skee ball game? That would be awesome! You could have skiers coming off a ginormous ski jump and trying to land in some giant holes carved into the side of the mountain. And maybe they win the amount of money of the hole they land in!!! That would be so awesome and I would watch it if it was on TV.

In fact, I think I should call up some sports people and tell them my idea to see if they want to put it on TV and pay me lots of money for it. That would be sweet, and then I could buy some cars or a lot of limeade. And if I spilled limeade in one of the cars, it wouldn't matter! Yes!

Next I have to figure out how could they make human air hockey?

I don't like vegetables... but I like robots!

Wed, 31 Oct 2007 02:37:55 GMT

I have a great idea! To get kids excited about eating right, why not make vegetables... that transform into ROBOTS? They could be called TRANSFORMABLES!

Grab your broccoli, transform it, make it fight the asparagus! Then eat whatever is left. I don't know how they'd make a head of lettuce that turns into a robotic warrior, but I'm sure the food technology and toy technology industries are advanced enough now that they could think of something!

I had a dream, there were beads in my bath soap, beads in my bath soap!

Fri, 14 Jul 2006 04:35:12 GMT

I got this new body wash. It's kind of, like, weirding me out. See, it has these moisturizing micro-beads dealies... they just kind of float in the bottle, which is weird enough. But then when I'm taking a shower, I thought they would sort of rub into my my skin as I'm, you know... lathering.

But they don't! They just stay there. Little blue beads, all over my body. But then, by the time I finish my shower, they're gone! And I never saw them go down the drain!

What? Where do they go? I hope this doesn't sound too crazy, but I'm wondering if they're not just moisturizing beads. What if they contain some of those nano-robots that are entering my body through my pores? Or what if they're seeds, and alien life is growing in my blood vessels?

I don't know. Maybe I'm getting all freaked out over nothing. But I'll tell you one thing: I'm never going to use this kind of body wash again. As soon as I finish this bottle.

The power of democracy at work in action?

Sat, 10 Jun 2006 04:18:07 GMT

I was just logging into Yahoo Games for my weekly Friday night Mah Jong Solitaire tournament, when I saw a Yahoo news headline that said "Father of Beheaded Man Blames Bush."

I had no idea this kind of thing was going on. This president has really gone too far.

I've been through the desert on a horse with no name

Sat, 27 May 2006 19:45:15 GMT

I'm pretty concerned right now, because I just realized something that sorta wigs me out.

I've known a bunch of grown men named Gary, right? We all have. I've even known some guys named Garry.

But I just realized that I have never in my life heard of a baby named Gary. Not even a little boy named Gary, now that I think of it. Think about it: have you ever been at McDonald's, or at the mall, or anywhere, and heard a mother say, "Here's your Happy Meal, Gary!" or "Let's go to the toy store, Gary" or even "I have to change Gary's diaper again"?

What's going on here? There are all these men named Gary... but where are they coming from? How can grown-up men named Gary exist if they were never babies?

Somebody please explain this to me, especially if your name is Gary.

Ain't gonna need this house no longer, ain't gonna need this house no more!

Tue, 11 Apr 2006 04:29:47 GMT

Hey, you know what I really love?

I love when I'm in my car at a red light, and there's just a little bit of space between me and the car in front of me, so I inch forward to close the hole a little... and then every single car behind me does the exact same thing, one after another.

It makes me feel so powerful... like I'm controlling their minds or something! It's great, you know?

I wish I were an Oscar Meyer weiner (wiener?)!

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 04:20:35 GMT

Hey, what do you guys think of Andy Rooney?

They got electric boots, a mohair suit!

Thu, 02 Feb 2006 03:21:32 GMT

Today while taking a walk in my neighborhood, I passed a parked car with a bumper sticker that said, "I'm proud to be an Optimist!" Then about a block later, I walked by another car with a sticker that said, "I'm pissed to be a Pessimist!"

You'll Never Walk Alone!

Sat, 28 Jan 2006 06:09:26 GMT

I just now got around to reading the PARADE magazine from Sunday's newspaper. First I read Marilyn Idiot Savant. Just kidding! Her name is really Marilyn vos Savant. Ha ha.

Then I read the article on the World's Worst Dictators. It said that the dictator of Turkmenistan has outlawed lip synching in that country! Now, I don't know about you, but reading that makes me more grateful than ever to be an American, where our Right to Free Lip Synching is protected in the Bill of Rights or something.

Just imagine if it was outlawed... We wouldn't be able to lip synch along with the radio while standing in front of the mirror in our homes. We wouldn't be able to lip synch with our friends in our cars. I wouldn't be able to go to a bar, play "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas on the jukebox, and lip synch to it while standing on the pool table. I mean, we. We wouldn't be able to do that.

And Ashlee Simpson? Heck, she'd probably be hanged in the village square to serve as an example.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, God Bless America. Feel free to say it with me, or just move your lips so it looks like you're saying it with me.

Laughter is the Best Medicine!

Sat, 21 Jan 2006 04:22:29 GMT

I heard a really funny joke today!

Hey Ya!

Fri, 20 Jan 2006 03:40:06 GMT

I was buying $4.37 worth of stuff, but the only bill I had was a ten. So I gave it to the cashier, and she said, "Out of ten?"

I answered, "Yes."

But then I worried. Was that supposed to be a rhetorical question? Or was she just saying it to make sure I hadn't given her the ten accidentally? Like maybe if I had a five in my pocket but I pulled out the wrong bill by mistake.

Should I go back to the store and find the same cashier and ask her what she meant? This has really been bugging me... I was so worried about it I could barely pay attention to tonight's episode of "Four Kings."

Just What the Doctor Ordered!

Tue, 01 Nov 2005 05:39:06 GMT

Ahh, Halloween. All Hallow's E'en. Tonight when I dropped Hershey's kisses into Darth Vader's pillowcase I could remember some of my own costumes of childhood.

One year I wanted to be Mr. Clean, so I wore a bald cap. The first house where I trick-or-treated gave me a lollipop, which I quickly unwrapped. I still had it in my mouth at the second house, and the lady there thought I was Kojak.

Another year, I told my mom I wanted to be a mummy. "Mommy, I want to be a mummy." Ha ha. So on Halloween, she wrapped me in toilet paper, except the problem was I didn't really look like a mummy. Instead I changed my mind and decided to go as a toilet paper roll. Two-ply. It was a pretty good costume except when the old man on my street blamed me for wrapping his trees and his cat.

This year I told my friends I was just going to run around naked and be a streaker for Halloween! That would have been pretty funny! But, I didn't want to get arrested so I didn't do it.

Don't Wake Daddy!

Sat, 29 Oct 2005 03:05:44 GMT

You know how some people can crush an aluminum can (or "aluminyum" as the English say) just by it slamming really hard on their forehead?

Well, I can't do that.

Ow.

Lady Godiva Was a Freedom Rider!

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 01:54:25 GMT

Hey, guys! I can't believe this! You will never guess what happened to me today!

Go ahead, guess. Yeah, you. Guess what happened to me.

What? No! Don't be ridiculous. Somebody else guess. You, there. Yeah. You, with the stripes.

No, that's not it. Good guess, though. Anyone else?

Is that your guess? No. No, that's not what happened.

Okay, you give up? Well, I'll tell you. Today, I-- oh, sorry. Did you want to guess too? Go ahead. What's your guess?

Ha! I wish that would happen to me! But no, that's not it either. Okay. Today, I was at th-- what? I'm sorry. I didn't know you still had a guess.

No, that's not it. You want to guess again?

No, that's not it either. I've never eaten one of those. Okay, are there any more guesses? Anyone? No?

Okay, so here's what happened. Today... um. Today... Hmm... It happened today... It was... There was something about a lady... with... hat... Was there a dog?

Nevermind. I can't remember.

Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You!

Mon, 24 Oct 2005 04:02:54 GMT

Today I was driving donuts in the parking lot at Krispy Kreme, when I had a brilliant idea.

You know how theme parks and carnivals sometimes have artists who can draw a caricature of you or a portrait of you for a price? That's so old. It's been done. It's old hat. But what if a theme park employed an artist who could sculpt a likeness of a guest's head out of ground beef? It would be a unique and memorable souvenir, and for an extra fee perhaps the guest could have it cooked.

Here's the best part: The name of this service would be "You're a Meathead"! I for one would love a my-head-made-out-meat. And I know a few people whose heads would be improved if they were made out of delicious lean ground beef. Ha ha!

Tomorrow I'm going to write a letter to the Six Flags people pitching this idea to them.

Tue, 18 Oct 2005 05:04:06 GMT

No, I didn't win.

Band on the Run!

Tue, 18 Oct 2005 05:02:13 GMT

Today I was in the supermarket parking lot when I found a penny on the ground. I returned Mr. Lincoln's smile. "This is my lucky day!" I said, loudly enough to startle the elderly woman who was struggling to heave a huge bag of dog food into the trunk of her Dodge Stratus. I then got the idea into my head that it truly was my lucky day, and that I should take advantage of it.

I found the machine that dispenses scratch-off lottery tickets. It occurs to me that if they really don't want children playing the lottery, perhaps a brightly colored, easily operated vending machine isn't the best tactic, but anyway. I kissed my five-dollar bill with only the slightest care as to where it had been, selected a $5 scratch-off card and waited in giddy anticipation. The card practically yelled at me, "WIN UP TO $30,000!"

I couldn't wait to test my good luck, so I started scratching the card with my fingernail right then and there. It wasn't very effective, and I got gunk under my fingernails, so I switched to using my teeth. That was not a pleasant alternative, and it was then that I remembered I still had the penny, which I then used to finish the off-scratching.

Did I win? Well, dear reader, you'll just have to wait for my next entry to find out!